reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
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And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.