REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
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BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.