REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
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[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now