@Kennedydp5: The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

@BuckyIsotope: Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

@Chumpstring: I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

@STOTLE: What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

@stuzario: Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house