[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
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Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
True.