[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
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Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
That’s no pocket rocket.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Dyslexics are teople poo!
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Customize Your Wedding.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.