*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
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Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.