Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
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1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
SPLOOT
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
cats when you pet them too long:
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”