Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
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A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
DOOO EEEET
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.