Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
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Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Every BBC series about the universe.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
A flock of dads is called a grill.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes