I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
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I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Home #decor warning.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all