[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
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So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.