[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
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[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.