Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
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Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Traveler’s camo
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.