[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
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Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully