[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
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Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks