[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
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“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep