[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
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Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can