My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
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hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane