My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
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A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.