[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
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FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
What the hell happened in there??
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.