[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
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me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
$4 #usedbooks
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Nice try, NASA
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”