Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
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“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.