@PastorBate: Restaurants drastically overestimate how much I care about which wood they smoke my bacon over.
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@sad_tree: *sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween* Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
@thatUPSdude: Boss: Are you done with those reports yet? Me: Can you stop hovering over me? Boss: Sorry [turns off jetpack] Me: Much better.
@PaperWash: Man's guide for a selfie: 1) Squint your eyes like your cool 2) Look off into the distance 3) Put your phone down 4) Don't take the selfie