@PastorBate: Restaurants drastically overestimate how much I care about which wood they smoke my bacon over.
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@FSUSteve: My mom just replied to my text with "K." Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
@EndhooS: [High school reunion] Classmate: I've been out building schools in Africa Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
@TheBoydP: All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time...