My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
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It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.