[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
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Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
U talkin 2 me?
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.