[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
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A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan