[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
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*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.