[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
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Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
need him
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes