Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. π
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My dog doesnβt even understand what Iβm doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the worldβs cleanest kitchen stool.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Yearβs resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out β867?β
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
β’ stealthy
β’ tiny hands
β’ no fingerprints
β’ blend in with the dark
β’ attracted to shiny things
β’ already have the outfitCons:
β’ distracted by shiny things
β’ not great with directions
β’ poor traffic safety
Travelerβs camo
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I canβt trust anything anymore
Weird how James Bond was always like, βIβm 007β like just be 7
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Toh the desire to sin is so great ππππ€£π€·π
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.