RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
You Might Also Like
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]