Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
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My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.