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@Darlainky: Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
@jonnysun: DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
@TheDeadfishSays: I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
@OutOfLeftField_: Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon."
He's not ill, just really crap in bed.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I'm the one who put him on a leash.
@MadGamer79: It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.