@Darlainky: Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
@NikkiGlaser: What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, "who emptied the dishwasher?!"
@TheQuietPsycho: When I was 20, I interviewed to harvest llama wool and showed up with a vegetable peeler. I was maybe drunk
I can't even make this up
@CoatCzech: "Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
@JD_KC: The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading "blink if you're being held against your will"
@TheMichaelRock: Batman would probably be a better crime-fighter if he wasn't making movies all the time.