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@Darlainky: Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
@GoodBadThing: Today I broke my personal best record of most consecutive days alive.
@Travon: "Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre-- never mind" - Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
@GingerHotDish: Licked a frog once.
He didn't turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
@ashlar36: Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, 'Who's this?'
@super_morgasm: Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don't end up like everyone I went to high school with.