@Darlainky: Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
@writerPT: Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
@Death_Buddy: Weighing up my bread heating options
@capnmcfword: Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
@ScottLinnen: If your conspiracy theory doesn't involve cats, don't bother me.
@girlwithatail: My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.