[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
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Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.