*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
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bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
they should invent a rest for the wicked
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio