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[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Tastes like chicken.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Who chose this font
Every. Damn. Time.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*