@slimmy_shady: Retweet if you're naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you'd like to meet him!
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@DaHess1: Shout out to bicyclists that yell "on your left" as they pass me so I know which arm to clothesline them with.
@trojansauce: KID: are you sure this will work? ME: *holding a fishing rod with a peppermint attached* do you want a new grandpa or not?
@WilliamAder: Can't wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
@ohen39: [on a romantic dinner date] girlfriend: *takes some of my fries* me: *quietly puts engagement ring back into my pocket*