Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
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I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.