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[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Flock of bats
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
😏😏😏
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.