retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
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Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Am getting real tired of your crap…
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.