Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
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Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with