@ClaytonSykes: Revere rides a horse saying "The British are Coming"and it's heroic but I hop a pogo stick naked screaming "look at me"and it's probation?
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@dafloydsta: [on a first date] Me: So do you like puppies? Her: Oh I love them Me: Ok, so we'll both have the puppies Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
@boring_as_heck: You're a loose cannon, Detective. Hand in your badge. AND your gun. AND your badge that is actually a gun. AND your gun that shoots badges.
@Kernsti: When my mom first saw my Facebook she was offended it said I was "interested in men" I think because she thought that was a list of hobbies
@ShittyComedian: The joke's on you officer. That breathalyzer won't tell you how much cocaine I've snorted tonight.