@ClaytonSykes: Revere rides a horse saying "The British are Coming"and it's heroic but I hop a pogo stick naked screaming "look at me"and it's probation?
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@LooseTalks_Girl: When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. That says everything about marriage.
@david8hughes: [describing criminal to sketch artist] No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
@brendohare: DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
@ghostkrogh: me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn't ring* sure i'll get 1 more chicken