Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
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I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?