Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
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Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*