Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
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getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.