Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
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The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday