Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
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I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
#ProTip