@bluntphilip: Rich people in movies apparently can't drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
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@murrman5: "fine! leave me because I talk like I'm in a novel but you aren't taking the kids, he exclaimed"
@casual_koala: My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He's 65 now and we don't know where he is.
@LaziestCanine: [uses the restroom] Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down Me: okay Me: [to toilet seat] you're worthless and nobody likes you
@Owl_Meat: [Next door dog barking] Me: *inserts earpugs* [Barking intensifies] Me: wtf................haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*