Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
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When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.