.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
You Might Also Like
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Any refunds available?…
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
me before I type out affect or effect