RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
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I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.