RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
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50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.