Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
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Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?